First off, I apologize for going so off topic with this post, but I feel I must get something off my chest. Nothing should go unsaid. I never want to make the mistake of letting things go unsaid again. If you have no desire to read a personal post having nothing to do with art, read no further.
A recent event has provided me with a chance to see things with a perspective I did not have before. Now this may not be anything new for some, but for me it is important because it helped me realize that most people in my life probably experience me far different than I thought they did. Anyone who knows me probably knows that I enjoy solving problems. I have always enjoyed mental tasks. I have always been of the opinion that there are few problems I could not solve with the proper application of reasoning and evaluation. It became my primary tool in dealing with my obsessive-compulsive tendencies. In an ironic (or perhaps not so ironic) twist, I find that I can become obsessive about solving problems too. It is not uncommon for me to fixate on things that are not yet problems, or only potential problems. I can, if not distracted, think about issues that are hypothetical for hours. I always felt like I was doing something. I felt I was planning or making progress of some sort, and I thought that the others around me could see the gears turning. In reality, I was doing nothing, and often, sending signals that I had no idea I was sending and never intended.
Two important things occurred to me once I gained this new perspective. The first thing was that when I really get fixated on something, people around me may think I am brooding, or depressed, or uninterested, or detached, or just marking time. Although I don't realize or intend it, others assume that this is how I am feeling. And I can't fault anyone for thinking that. The really sad thing is that it can make someone feel exactly the opposite of what I intend. In this way, I hurt the most important person to me. The second thing I came to realize was that I was never solving anything. I was just doing nothing. In worrying about something way down the road, I was not being present or aware of what was going on at that moment… Here is the thing, I recognize that relationships, as well as most things in life, tend to all come together at very specific and pivotal moments. It is at these moments that things can be either destroyed or brought to the next level, battles can be won or lost, people can act or not. It is not important to have a grand plan. It is not critical that I figure everything out now. If I try to plan for every possible outcome I will be paralyzed with inaction, and all the while think I am accomplishing something. And that is what happened with me. The important thing is to know what you want and remain present. Follow your heart in the moment, make the decision that is in front of you at that moment. Keep to this idea and you will move toward your goal. I have no way to know how many of those important pivotal moments passed me by because I was not present and in the moment, but I do know it caused a lot of hurt. Although not the only thing that caused damage, I know this was a part of what destroyed the most important and beautiful thing I had.
So what is the point of all this? I guess it is part explanation, part apology and part declaration of my intent to remain mindful and live in the present. To make sure I never let an important moment slip by, or anything go unsaid. So, to those of you who have told me that I "think too much", you were right. I get it now. To those who I may have hurt, I am so sorry. To those who I spend time with in the future, when you see me obsessing or off someplace in my head, feel free to get my attention by any means necessary and remind me to stay in the moment.
